We all remember those classic snacks that made childhood bearable. After an exhausting day of fourth grade spelling tests and dentist appointments, there was refuge to be found in heaping globs of peanut butter on the necessary obstacle of celery. But there’s no reason you should have to leave these sticky comfort foods behind. Just in time for the back-to-school season, we’ve updated this lunchbox classic for an adult palate, so don’t despair if your boss yelled at you for jamming the copier again. We’ve got your fix right here.
For those of you who attended elementary school in distant mountain caves and have somehow never come across this snack before, the concept is simple: take a stalk of celery and slice it in half before applying a spread (usually peanut butter but sometimes cheese from a can if you felt particularly in the mood to laugh in the face of the health benefits of celery). Top with your ants, which were usually raisins or nuts, and serve. We’ve made it just as easy as before but pumped this recipe full of adult flavors, so don’t be afraid to hide them from any children that might be nearby.
Red Ants on a Log
The dried cherries are a sweeter garnish to the rich almond butter than the traditional raisins and peanut butter combination.
Best When: You’ve had a long day at work and need to indulge while still feeling like you’re in control of your health.
The Crunchy Log
Sunflower Seed Butter
Mix equal parts peanut butter, almond butter, and sunflower seed butter (a few tablespoons each ought to do it) with finely chopped nuts (dealer’s choice, though we like pecans) for this spread.
Best When: You can’t decide which butter is better. Just use them all!
Ants on a Bog
Goat Cheese (or Cream Cheese)
For those days when you’re feeling more sour than sweet, perch your ants on a flavorful cheese.
Best When: You’re fighting with your mom about your lifestyle. You don’t ONLY eat Doritos, see?
Drunk Ants on a Log
No, the whiskey’s not for shots. Throw the raisins into a saucepan with just enough alcohol to cover them and let simmer on low heat until the whiskey is absorbed. Add to the top of your peanut butter-spread log and enjoy (or prank a kid if you’re feeling lawless).
Best When: You’re having a midlife crisis and need to feel connected to your childhood and adulthood at the same time.
Ants Minus the Log
Fuck you, celery, you enemy of flavor and happiness. Spoon peanut butter into your mouth along with handfuls of raisins and devour those suckers like the bona fide anteater you are.
Best When: We’ve reached the end times.
Post and Art by Bailey James.