“No tacos tonight?” was the desperate query I received when I placed my order at Taco Bell.
“No,” I said. “This is all I wanted.”
$1.69 at Taco Bell is all you need to purchase the latest fast food abomination, Cap’n Crunch Delights. When Taco Bell decided to ruin breakfast, we were all onboard. Tacos for breakfast? I’ll admit I had a certain amount of hope for it and was obviously disappointed, but the silver lining? Cinnabon Bites. They’re basically solid sugar, but I’m not complaining.
So it shouldn’t come as any surprise that Cap’n Crunch Delights are basically a palette swap of their cinnamon cousins.
Cap’n Crunch Delights are doughy balls lightly covered in cereal soot. It should come as no surprise that these Delights don’t look quite as pleasant as they do on TV. The argument could be made that these actually look like shit. Because they do. They look horrible.
But they taste pretty good.
Imagine a slightly fruity version of the Cinnabon Bites. Boom. There you go. They even come with the slightly creamy center, but it’s not quite a molten center like in the other bites. The advertisements showing it oozing out like a cracked Cadbury Egg are blatantly false. But the cream is there. I promise. It’s just been absorbed but the greasy red sponge ball.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be overcome with shame after eating them. You definitely should. I cried afterwards.
And if you eat more than four then you must have a stomach of steel. There is so much sweetness and grease in Cap’n Crunch Delights that you’re shaving years off your life with every bite. I felt sick afterwards. That’s not an exaggeration. My stomach hated me for this decision.
When it comes down to it, I will never get these again. Cap’n Crunch Delights were just too much for my stomach to handle, even though I did enjoy eating them. For the rest of you out there, consider this your warning: Cap’n Crunch Delights might not taste terrible, but they’re not even worth their meager price.
Post and photos by Ian Sims.