There’s more than one important September birthday in the Sporkiverse. My good friend and article sharpener of this publication, Bailey James, is turning 24 today. Instead of telling her all about what it’s like to be that age, I’ve created a short guide for an ideal party-food situation (note: being 24 is a lot like being 23, but mostly you kind of wish you were 25.) Happy birthday, Bailey! Now listen to what I have to say or I won’t come to your next gathering.
Best food – Snacks, A. K. A. Chips and Dip
Snacks are where it’s at, people! They’re typically the first thing served, and they never fail to start a conversation. One time, I was at a party, and things started raging after I overheard this 5-minute encounter:
“Man, I love sour cream and onion chips.”
“I disagree! I personally think that flavor is the worst thing that’s ever happened to my taste buds.”
“You and I seem to have a wacky, yet relatable relationship starting to form!”
Snacks also tend to last through most of the party, and people can easily stop to grab more on their way if necessary. Chips can also be pretzels, nuts, oreos, queso, salsa, cheese doodles(™), or any other awful-colored thing that comes in a non-resealable bag.
BONUS: if any of these snacks are homemade. I won’t ask you how you made it, but I will eat it.
Worst – Cake
Frankly, I don’t want to hear it. Cake is never good. There’s too much frosting, or not enough frosting, and somehow everyone inevitably gets stuck taking home at least half a cake, even though you got a small Whole Foods cake for a 20-person party. I’ll entertain the idea that some people are good bakers, and/or really care about making a cake for their friend. Those people can walk out the back door as far as I’m concerned. I say: do a cupcake thing, or maybe a bag of M&Ms. I don’t care. I’ll be eating the rest of the pretzels.
BONUS: If the cake is actually a giant pretzel.
I’ve been to countless birthdays, and I know that the point of them is to sing over a flaming cake, but the point I’M trying to make here is – it would be just as cool to do it with literally anything else, and then we can get back to the snack-matter at hand. Today, Bailey is an adult because she was already an adult, and I hope this clears up any confusion over what to serve at future birthdays.
Post by Victoria Garvey.