Cracker Stacker Lunchables Review

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In the pantheon of Lunchables, Cracker Stackers are both their most renowned and perhaps their most beloved product. Far and wide children on playgrounds across the world were succeeding at the unlikely task of making their friends envious of something that most courts of law (and of food) would barely consider a snack, much less a meal. This was the Lunchable I was most skeptical of. There had to be some secret element that made it different than regular cheese and crackers, right?

First Impressions
Upon opening the packaging, any kind of special element seemed doubtful. All I saw was a stack of generic looking crackers, a few rounds of turkey, and some off-yellow squares of “American” cheese. Though my preferred deli meat is ham, I had been swayed to team turkey by the inexplicable fact that the turkey cracker stackers contained two Oreos. Even if the entrée didn’t pan out, I would still have a time-tested dessert. The most enjoyable part was creating a city of skyscrapers out of different stacks of crackers and toppings, but eventually play time was over. It was time to dig in.

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The Meal
The first bite was pleasing; the flavors of meat and cheese blended together into something almost sophisticated. The cracker was crunchy (as crackers are wont to be), and I could see the appeal to children: you could feel like you were a guest at a fancy dinner party in the middle of soccer practice. They weren’t the fanciest thing I’d ever eaten, but they made a kind of sense.

At least, that was my experience for the first twelve seconds. Then something else began to happen. The wad of meat and cheese in my mouth felt leaden. The moisture was disappearing from my tongue, and my throat seemed to contract in defiance. Was I turning into a werewolf? No. This was something far worse. I was transforming into someone with functional taste buds who realized how fucking terrible these things were. They made me feel as though I was being force-fed something humans aren’t meant to consume, like irradiated waste or chicken noodle soup.

The worst part was that I felt like I had to keep going. Maybe I was wrong. I ate two more crackers and felt my humanity slowly leaking out of me, a base beastliness washing over me. I wasn’t wrong.

My only path of recourse was to remove the turkey and eat the remaining crackers with only cheese. I symbolically threw the rest of the meat rounds into the garbage can and imagined they were being sacrificed to an active volcano. This was, in my opinion, too kind a way for them to go.

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Conclusions
Seriously, stay away. The only good thing about this Lunchable (well, besides the Oreos) is that it reaffirms your inherent humanity. There is no way to hate another person enough to wish this abomination upon them. Plus, no matter how pointless your life might be, at least you never made something this awful. That’s enough cause for celebration.

1/5 Sporks (Only because of Oreos)

Post and Photos by Bailey James.

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