Ben and Jerry’s Declares War on 2015 New Year’s Resolutions

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If you haven’t heard yet (we’re not sure how this is possible, because this breaking news is getting as much attention as the Hollywood email hacks), Ben and Jerry’s just released three new Core flavors: Boom Chocolatta Cookie Core, Peanut Buttah Cookie Core, and Spectacular Speculoos Cookie Core. What the fuck? We all just resolved to lose five (or fifteen) pounds, eat healthier, snack better, drink more wine, exercise more, run a marathon, etc. How the fuck are we supposed stay on track when all we can think about is cookies on cookies on ice cream in our mouths all the time? Although, to be fair, we would consider eating Ben and Jerry’s as snacking “bettah” and running a marathon, an ice cream marathon.

When we say Ben and Jerry’s declares war, we really mean they’re winning this war, because who’s actually resisting ice cream, cookie pieces, AND cookie butter all together in one bowl? If you are, you’re not human. Maybe we’ll lie to ourselves and say we’ll run an extra mile for every bowl we eat or we’ll eat healthier for breakfast and lunch to make up for it, but we’re still getting our cookie core on.

According to Businessweek, Ben and Jerry’s does this shit on purpose to “familiarize consumers with new flavors by the time the weather warms up.” Are you kidding? Ben & Jerry’s is like Beyonce; they can drop new flavors without any PR or warning whatsoever and everyone would find it and flock to that shit within 12 hours of release. Just take our fucking money already.

Do you even know what a Speculoos cookie is? Neither do we, but Ben and Jerry’s says its “cinnamony-spiced,” which is good enough for us. We want one immediately. Boom Chocolatta is just mocha, chocolate, fudge, and carmel mixed with a dash of crack. It feels like Christmas all over again. There’s probably a slight aftertaste of regret, but another spoonful will cure that right up. Does the Peanut Buttah come with seven grams of protein in addition to all the sugar we’re happily consuming? Probably not, but we don’t care. Start apologizing to your jeans and go buy some more sweatpants.

Regardless of the assault Ben and Jerry’s just unleashed on our bodies, resolutions, and dreams, we’re all in. The Silver Spork team contemplated what we would do with the news of this release, and one brave soul said she’d take one for the team and eat all three of these in one sundae. We really had to twist her arm for that one.

The silver lining to our failed resolutions (besides the everlasting sugar high we’ll be riding) is that these cookie cores came out just in time to figure out which one will be the perfect boyfriend for Valentine’s Day.

Post by Lian Weinstein. 

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