Red Velvet Oreos


After work on Tuesday I swung by Target to pick up some gym supplies. Now that I’ve finally wrangled my life into a reasonable state, I finally feel comfortable settling back into an exercise regimen. I grabbed a pull-up bar and a couple of multi-purpose weights to get me started and then set off for check out.

But there was a shift in the atmosphere and I got a feeling in my bones. I knew something life-changing was coming, but I could never have dreamed what would happen next.

Right beside the checkout lane in all their resplendent glory was a stack of Red Velvet Oreos. They were finally here. Red Velvet Oreos with Cream Cheese filling were finally here.

I’ve never driven so fast in my life. At this exact moment all of my exercise equipment sits abandoned in the corner. And the Oreos? They’re never beyond arm’s reach.

When I peeled back the covering on the Oreos I was met with the strong smell of cream cheese. There’s no denying what these cookies are. Between the slightly red colored wafer and the odorous cream cheese, there’s no denying that Nabisco is here to take a few more years off my life. There are some people that don’t like cream cheese frosting. I have a few choice words for you, but I’ll keep the vulgarity inside and just say this: stay away from these cookies. These were not made for your kind.


Taste without Milk
Red Velvet cake has been a fairly hot topic for the past few years. The red velvet flavor that gets championed is an arguable matter since the cake is generally famous for the amount of red dye in it and little else. The wafer of the Red Velvet Oreos is thus not too different from the traditional Oreo. The chocolate is a little more subdued, and I swear I’m picking up more vanilla than usual.

The true flavor comes from the distinctive cream cheese filling. This is a revolutionary moment in snack history, sporkers. Given the strength of the smell, it should come as no surprise that the filling is the real kicker here. I’ll admit to being rather picky about cream cheese frostings, so I was very surprised that I enjoyed this mass-produced version.

The Oreos do leave a peculiar sour aftertaste though. It’s not bad, but it’s just further proof that these aren’t your mother’s Oreos.

Taste with Milk
The only time it’s okay to eat an Oreo without milk is when you’re writing something about how an Oreo tastes without milk. Honestly though, that whole passage is pointless. There shouldn’t be anyone eating these without milk. Get on your Oreo game. With milk these become a godsend.

Ability to be Stored
You can fit about twelve total Oreos in a pair of men’s jeans without endangering their structural integrity. And yes, that was just an Oreo in my pocket. No, I was not happy to see you, Jeff.


Cuddling Companion
Now, I’m not going to say that Red Velvet Oreos can entirely replace a Valentine’s Date, but they come damn close. They were much cheaper than the usual dinner plans, much more enjoyable to converse with, and a comfortable cuddling companion at the movies. I’ll admit that I got some weird looks sitting in the theater, but I can’t tell if that was for the Oreos or because we were all watching Fifty Shades of Grey. I’d swipe right for these any day.

Post by Ian Sims. Oreos by Nabisco.