Little Caesar’s New Pizza

Little Caesar’s is trying to kill you. Hot and Ready wasn’t enough for them so they’ve upped their game. What was once a shitty pizza place that you only bought when you were super hammered has just become something so much more. Now, Little Caesar’s is proud to be a shitty pizza place that you only buy when you are super hammered that serves a BACON-WRAPPED CRUST PIZZA.

I feel sick just typing it.

On February 23rd this new abomination will be rolling out across the country.

What does it mean to have a crust wrapped in bacon? It means 3 ½ feet of bacon assaulting your body. And at $12/pizza, who wouldn’t want it?

Little Caesar's Pizza

That $12 isn’t doing anything useful. Here’s a list of things you could use that money for that aren’t half as great as a Little Caesar’s bacon-wrapped crust pizza:

  1. Have a serious feast at the Dollar Tree.
  2. Buy two Little Caesar’s Hot and Ready pizzas and throw them in the trash.
  3. Order a croissant, cranberry oat scone, and a matcha latte at Chalait.
  4. Fold it into tiny green origami swans.
  5. Donate to Feeding America.
  6. Put it back in your wallet and be filled with self-respect.

But like I said, none of those are worth your time. Just buy the god damned pizza and discover self-loathing again. I know that’s what I’ll be doing on the when it comes out. Well, maybe I’ll wait until the 27th. Little Caesar’s will be a good nervous snack while I’m crying my way through the entirety of House of Cards Season Three.

Post by Ian Sims. Photo proudly supplied by Satan and Little Caesar’s.